King Polydectes

Good morning and welcome to LLT121 Classical Mythology, the only class taught by a professor who has graduated from Famous News Announcer School. When last we left off, we had a whole box full of Danaë and Perseus, which had been tossed into the ocean by wicked, bad King Acrisius, the father of Danaë, and the grandfather of Perseus. Somehow Acrisius has heard that he was going to be killed by his grandson. An oracle told him that his grandson would kill him. So he tossed his daughter and his grandson into the ocean. You’ll recall that they washed up on the friendly island of Seraphos, ruled by King Polydectes who is not a nice guy. King Polydectes is always sniffing after the lovely young mother Danaë. Danaë wants literally no part of him. So they go round and round and round for years as young Perseus grows up. After some time, Perseus gets to be about 15 or 16, King Polydectes gets a clue. He throws this party for the young people of his island. The price of admission is one horse. As I suggested last time, back in those days, a horse is the equivalent of a brand new BMW with six Bose speakers and CD playing in the background, Corinthian leather seats, and all that. Very few people have that. If you do have one, you are not likely to give it away, are you? The idea is that it is a party for the stinking, filthy, rich youth of the island. Perseus is standing outside the hall with his friends smoking cigarettes and drinking Mad Dog out of little bottles that they have tucked into their belt pockets. He said, “I could just as well go bring back the head of Medusa.” At which point, King Polydectes pokes his head out the door and says, “I heard that, you little twerp. Come on. I dare you.” What do you do, Crystal? If you are Perseus, do you go bring back the head of Medusa, or do you say, “Just kidding?” Well, yeah I did but that was at the beginning of the semester. You would go get it. I mean, do you know what the Medusa does to people? Well, you’ve read the mythology book. You know how to kill it. I am against the use of drugs. Stop talking about drugs.
Let’s try this. Mike, what are the odds of Perseus successfully completing this episode? Give me a number. One in 100,000. That is very, very good. What’s the other possibility, J.R.? What is his other set of chances? Right around 100 percent, because this is the Perseus story is it not? Here’s what he does. I’m going to make this short and brutally sweet. I like that. He is befriended by either Hermes or Athena or both of them. This divine helper, who is put in strictly to fulfill category number five on my Herometer, advises young Perseus to go to the Graeae the three lovely, beautiful sisters who are the patron goddesses of old age. They share one eye and one tooth, all the while remaining completely lovely. You may remember this from that awesome movie, Clash of the Titans. Perseus grabs their eye and refuses to give their eye back to them until they tell him where to find some promising young sea nymphs, who will give him what he needs to complete his trip. The cap of darkness, the winged sandals, and my favorite, the magic wallet. It’s actually not a magic wallet. It’s a magic bag to carry Medusa’s head in so it doesn’t turn everybody into stone. Hermes supposedly lends Perseus a scimitar to kill the Medusa. Athena lends her highly polished shield. We’ll put an A with a thunderbolt through it for Athena.
Actually this part is simple. Perseus takes off to the land of the Hyperborean, who live in the far, far north. He decides to kill Medusa in the following fashion. He walks backwards. Using the shield of Athena as his own personal rearview mirror with an awesomely times backhand slash he decapitates Medusa. If that’s not bad enough, out of the severed bleeding stump of the head of Medusa pops up this guy, Chrysaor, who is a son of Poseidon and Medusa, the man of the golden sword. We don’t care about him. Also Pegasus, the wonderful winged horse, who is now employed by opening up movies for Tri-Star Pictures. He also has a contract with Mobile Gasoline. No doubt you have seen Pegasus. It is at this point, when I invite somebody in the class to raise their hand and say, “Wait a minute.” Erika, would you like to raise your hand and say wait a minute? Okay, go ahead and let me have it. Oh that’s easy to answer. Why not?
Scott. In the movie, didn’t he have Pegasus before he killed Medusa? Yes, he did. Do you remember that touching scene where Athena leads the wonder horse down to a clearing where Perseus, played by that greatest actor of all time Harry Hamlin, walks up and kind of tames the horse? Do you remember that scene? Yes, good. Well, it’s not in the original myth. This, by the way, Scot, excellent question, is an example of what has happened to myth to the classical myths for thousands of years. I could just about say with certainty that the directors and writers of the award winning movie, Clash of the Titans, decided to write Pegasus into the story earlier, borrow him from another myth and write him in earlier so that... Well, let’s face it, people recognize Pegasus when they see him and stuff like that. There is not going to be any movie about the guy who actually did ride Pegasus in Greek mythology. We’ll trash him in about three and a half minutes, shortly. Harry Hamlin, Perseus, needs a high quality ride to achieve his labors. He needs a high quality horsey. I know. We will steal Pegasus from the Bellerophon myth. You know, it’s one thing to say, “It’s not authentic. It’s not authentic. They stole it. They’re not being true to the myth. Blah, blah, blah, blah.” But, in fact, they are making it a better story. They get to have Pegasus, the horsey, in pretty much the entire movie.
Point number two, Scott—and everybody else—is that they are only doing what tellers and retellers of mythology of all traditions, all around the world, have been doing for literally millennia. Stealing a little snippet, or character or something off of a previous myth or story or sitcom and using it to improve your own. Excellent question. Well answered. Are there other questions, comments or complaints? On that pathetic television show, Seinfeld, there is a character named Kramer, right, who is a real bumble putz. His name is Michael Richards. It may amuse you to no end to know that, even though Kramer is supposedly based on a real life character, the actor Michael Richards was playing this shtick as early as the late 1970s on a Friday or Saturday night ABC television show called Fridays. It lasted for two or three years. It was ABC’s version of Saturday Night Live. A very young Michael Richards, a.k.a. Kramer, walks around with electric hair and weird clothes going, “Waaaahaaa, I’m a dork.” They stole him and they moved him into Seinfeld. They gave him a different name. Now watch I’ll get my butt sued off for saying this. But I’m saying that’s cool. People who watch that Seinfeld show really like Kramer. If he’s increasing their appreciation of the show, I say write him in.
Okay let’s keep going. He decapitates Medusa, puts Medusa’s head in the magic wallet, carries it back to King Polydectes and everybody lives happily ever after. Wait a minute. What’s wrong with that, Crystal? The kraken. The kraken. Do you want to hear another good one? There is no kraken in this story. I’m sorry, Farrah Lynn, but there is no kraken in this story. Here’s what there is in this story. We haven’t found him a love interest, yet. As Perseus is flying back to the island of Seraphos to bring the head of Medusa back, he hears a cry for help. “Help, help.” He sees chained to a rock a lovely girl named Andromeda. She’s waiting for a giant sea monster to come and devour her. She’s none too pleased about this development. It turns out that she is the daughter of the local king and queen whose names I won’t even bother you with although they are Cassiopeia now a constellation and her husband Cepheus. Apparently, Cassiopeia was bragging about, “Oh, I’m more beautiful than the Nereids. I’m just this hot babe.” Poseidon or Nereus or a bunch of sea gods get angry about this and decide to destroy the kingdom unless she offers her daughter, Andromeda, to this horrible sea monster. Granted, it’s not the most cleverly constructed plot in the world, but it gets Andromeda out on the rock. It gets her tied up, and she’s waiting for a sea monster to come and devour her.
All of a sudden, she looks up and sees this guy flying through the air. “Help!” Perseus swoops down with his winged sandals, cuts a deal with the girl’s parents. “If I save your daughter, can I marry her?” They’re not in any position to bargain, but notice how clever Perseus is. He doesn’t just save the girl, then ask if he can marry her. He asks if he can marry her. When they tell him he can marry her, he saves her. As they fly back, Perseus and his new bride fly back to the island of Seraphos. As they fly back to the island of Seraphos, various drops of blood leak out of the magic wallet as they’re flying over Libya, creating various poisonous scorpions and Mohamar Kadafi. When he gets back home to the island of Seraphos, he hands the bag with the magic wallet to King Polydectes and says, “Here you go, King Polydectes. Can I come to the party now? Have a nice day.” Does he do that, Greer? Yeah, right. You are really cynical. No, here’s what he does. He takes the head out of the bag and goes… he shows the head to King Polydectes, who freezes. This is really cool. So he starts showing the head to all sorts of people that he doesn’t like. This is really great. You can take it out on the street with you in Springfield and somebody drives wrong you go. After that, he gives it to Athena because he’s mortal. This is a creature that’s semi-divine except for it’s dead. What he does is he gives the head to Athena. She sticks it on her shield. So that’s cool.
Then Perseus grabs his mom—I mean takes his mom, goes with his mom—and goes back to mainland Greece back to their hometown of Argos. King Acrisius, finding out that his daughter, Danaë, is alive and that his grandson is, too, runs away in fear. Like the smart man he is. Perseus rules as king of Argos for a while. Till one day he goes to a discus contest in a local town. He signs up for the discus contest, and as he is throwing the discus, he lets out with his mighty throw which backfires and hits this old coot named Acrisius right in the foot and kills him. What a bunch of ghouls you are. It says it hit him in the foot and killed him. Perseus incurs miasma for this and has to wander around various places. Eventually, Perseus founds the award winning city of Mycenae. Wait a second. Perseus founded the city of Mycenae? Isn’t that where Hercules came from? Yes, it is. That is where Hercules was born. Perseus is Hercules’s great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. Or maybe that is just a story they pass around in Argos to make Perseus look important. Who knows?
So I’m sorry Farrah Lynn, we have no kraken today. We don’t even know. Do you know where the kraken came from? I tracked him down. We have an English major here. It comes from a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson, The Kraken. You can imagine my discomfiture. I didn’t really do well in English when I was in school, but I atone for that by getting married to an English teacher. She told me to go look in Tennyson. Sure as fecal matter, there it was. It was this big horrible poem about the kraken, which is a sea monster that lives in the bottom of the ocean. Does anybody know when Tennyson lived? No, you are all a bunch of buffoons. No, but this is my class. Okay he lived in the last century. We can be reasonably sure he does not date back to the time of this myth. He may not even have been thinking anything about Perseus when he wrote the poem, but, obviously, there must have been an English teacher who is kibitzing on this script. I know. We don’t need some generic monster. Let’s have a name-brand literary monster from my favorite English poet. Let’s call it the kraken. Okay. If the person had been into Norwegian mythology they could have called it Mithurtsubur, the world serpent. Or Grendal, yeah, if you are a Beowulf freak you could have called it Grendal. You could have called it Jeremy. You could have called it just about anything you want. So there. Enough of Perseus.
Bellerophon is the hero in Greek mythology who actually gets credit for having been the rider of Pegasus. We don’t have very many myths about Bellerophon. He was the local hero of the award-winning town of Corinth, which never did really make it to the top of the ancient Greek world. Consequently, we don’t hear as much about him. Bellerophon is born in Corinth. Then he kills somebody, thereby incurring miasma. What is the purpose of miasma in classical mythology? To start an adventure, get the hero out of town. He kills somebody and he is sent off to the award-winning town of Argos. Yes? That is one of my favorite epithets is award-winning. He is taken off to the city of Argos where he is purified by King Proteus. Tell me if you’ve heard this plot before. He’s a very studly young man and the wife of Proteus, Queen Stheneboea falls in love with him. By the way the name Stheneboea in ancient Greek means strong war shout, a lovely name for a little girl. Strong war shout. To make matters worse it sounds like a disease than somebody’s name. She falls in love with him. He wants no part of her. So she writes a note falsely accusing him—well good, good you remember. I’ll tell Dr. Carawan that you remember—of…rape. So Bellerophon is sent off. He’s not killed this time. He’s sent of to a king by the name of Iobates—whose name I’m going to write on the board just because it sounds so stupid—Iobates to perform a number of labors.
I pause for a question. Ask me. I’ve got more letters after my name than him. It’s not important but it’s Argos. That’s right. That is one way for atoning for murder. The oldest way of course is the eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. You kill me, my wife kills you. Your dad kills my wife. Let’s see. My wife’s sister’s dog kills your dad. We go on and on like the Hatfields and the McCoys until everybody’s dead. Version number two is purification. I killed him. You can go off to a king or to an oracle and be purified. Theoretically, you could go back to your city again, but keep in mind that, in the story, the primary function as a plot device is to get you out of your city. So, yes, after you’ve killed me, and you are purified by Queen Elizabeth III, you can, strictly speaking, come home to Springfield. But, the actual point of the myth of your killing me and incurring miasma is to go off to a far off foreign land, meet interesting people, and kill them. Good question, very well answered.
King Iobates sends Bellerophon on several expeditions. I’m not really going to talk about them much. In labor number one, he, riding on that horse Pegasus, kills the Solymi, kills them all to death. Number two is second labor. We don’t know any details of these labors, so you can get an idea of just what a low rent hero we’re dealing with. Well, ethnocentrism. That’s it exactly. I am quite sure if you were a kid growing up in Corinth, you no doubt heard all sorts of stories of the great Bellerophon, and could probably recount them in excruciating detail. Kill the Amazons. What is the function of the Amazons in heroic legend? Scary women. What happens to the scary women? They get killed. They are cannon fodder. Are you familiar with the term cannon fodder? Cannon fodder is an old term for infantrymen who are not well-trained, who are not well-armed whose job is to go stand in the front lines and get killed by cannon. Then, when the other team attacks, the real infantrymen with good weapons who are very well trained can go and fight. Cannon fodder. The Amazons just get chopped into bits by various manly heroic heroes, because you need somebody bad to kill in your heroic legends. If we can subliminally teach a lesson about what happens to uppity women in a patriarchal society, hey, so much the better. You know if Heather grows up hearing about those bad Amazons getting chopped up, you know, every single time, the next time she wants to kill her husband maybe a light will go on and she’ll think about the Amazons. That was well done.
Also this enchanting creature called the chimera, which was half goat, half lion and half serpent. Some years, people get the math, some years they don’t. I figured you would. One-third each. Seems like a creature created by a committee to just kind of take up space and be the heroic. Question. Sometimes the adjective chimerical is used to describe something that doesn’t exist. The chimerical idea of an NCAA football championship, the chimerical idea of the perfect government.
Bellerophon starts to get a pretty big head about himself. He decides that his next move is to get on top of his horsey, Pegasus, and ride up to Mount Olympus. As he is flying up there, Bellerophon is zapped by a thunderbolt from Zeus and dies. How about Pegasus? Why does Pegasus still survive? He is Zeus’s nephew. So he still survives. He gets his own stable on Mount Olympus with a big P on there. He gets to eat the food of the immortal horses. What did it read on Bellerophon’s death certificate? He died of hubris. He flew too high. I pause for a question. Jared. No, there are no heroes from Sparta. Yeah, but the Athenians are not going to waste much ink talking about great Spartan heroes. In fact, I would say that every Spartan was automatically expected to be a hero. That is to say that the young men were trained to drink cold water and eat plants they found lying in the fields. The young women had to do exercises, too, so they could bear strong Spartan children. The story is told of a Spartan kid, you know, they were all wearing their thin little cloaks and sleeping out in the snow on the top of a mountain. This one guy had a fox. He was going to eat the fox. He was stuffed inside his cape and the fox was eating his guts out. He didn’t say anything. “Ho hum. Nice day,” and stuff like that. I would suggest that you bring up an excellent question. I think the Spartan mythos, the Spartan legend, the Spartan weltanschauung was substantially different. Spartan kids were brought up to be heroes. They had various heroic kings, but no legendary mythological figure that I know of. Good question, very well answered. I’m on a roll today.
Way back when both gods and men roamed the earth, Ixion a good friend of Zeus was betrothed to a woman. You’ve met Ixion. You know where he’s going to wind up. That’s okay. He’s going to wind up on a burning ring of fire. He was betrothed to this woman. He invited his future father-in-law over. His future father-in-law was going to give him some money, some dowry. The idea is, “Here, I’ll pay you to take my daughter off my hands so that I don't have to feed her anymore,” an enchanting custom. As a happily married man, I wish it still continued. Where’s my money? He fell into a glowing pit of coals that Ixion had thoughtfully prepared for that purpose. His future father-in-law has been burned to death. This was the first instance in Classical Mythology of miasma. That shut him up. I can’t believe it. It is lame enough. It is a plot device, Jeremy. The future father-in-law falls into the pit, dies and what happens next is, Zeus, in the first instance of ritual purification, purifies his buddy, Ixion, for committing a murder. So everything is cool.
I pause for a question, you skeptical child of the 20th century. Miasma is pollution, caused by any offensive act, but usually it’s murder. If, let’s say, you murder me, there is miasma upon you. It’s described as bloodguilt. It can also be described as bloodguilt, but strictly speaking it is any kind of pollution. Okay? How’s that for an answer? Thank you for asking. Do you have siblings? How many? Okay. Oh, you’re the youngest. No doubt your siblings would say the same thing, too. Why is it that, when I did this I got wrapped upside the head, but when Jared does it, it’s like, “oh, isn’t that cute?” Life isn’t fair and it wasn’t fair back then, either. Okay? Otherwise, just shut up. There really is no answer. Why is Pegasus a horse? Why not? Why is it that I’m bald and my father has a full head of hair, the old creep? Life isn’t fair. As Jared has suggested the atonement procedure is very fickle. Zeus kills people all the time. Does he incur miasma? No, because he is Zeus. Sometimes gods are purified. Hercules commits miasma all the time. Sometimes he is purified by Apollo. Sometimes he has to go out and do a labor or two—or twelve. The punishment varies. It’s completely arbitrary, just like life. Mark. They just call it that. They just claim that it was. Keep in mind that this is the time period when Zeus is still living on earth. So it’s got to be way far back. Notice how careful I was. Matt could play you back the tape. I actually did say way back when gods and men roamed the earth together. I really did say that. I covered my tail. It is that, too.
You can’t believe how happy my wife is now that WGN cannot broadcast Chicago Bulls games nationwide. So what does WGN have instead? Xena the warrior princess. Oh boy I saw that one coming. I just took off running out the front door when my wife found that one out. Well, Ixion is given a second chance. How does he reward Zeus? He makes the moves on Hera. Of course, Zeus does not believe Hera at first. “No, he did not. He was just being friendly. He wasn’t trying to rape you. He was being friendly.” But Hera insists and they create a cloud Hera. Ixion comes walking by and sees the cloud Hera. He’s none too bright. He completes the sexual act with this cloud. The cloud gets pregnant and creates this kid by the name of Centaurus. Centaurus mingles with a number of horses and begets the centaurs, the ancient Greek equivalent of bikers. Ixion gets turned round, round, round on a burning ring of fire.
It looks more and more like you’re not going to get a quiz on Monday. Can you deal with that? Okay. I thought so.
Centaurs are randy, lusty, zesty creatures for the most part. Most of them were like Nessus. More of them than there were centaurs like Chiron, the gentle and learned centaur who ran the academy for young heroes. The most famous appearance in classical mythology of centaurs is the so-called Battle of the Centaurs and the Lapiths. In this story Pirithous, king of the Lapiths gets married. He invites his cousins the centaurs to the wedding. Now, I would be willing to bet that each and every one of us in the room has somewhere in his or her family the relatives from H-E-double toothpicks, the kind that you only see at weddings. They come down out of their tree, the one that got out of jail, the one with one tooth in the middle of their mouth. We all have these people. This guy, Pirithous, invited them to his wedding, his cousins, the centaurs. As the wine runs out, they get really mad and try to rape the bride, because they are centaurs, you know. A big, huge, knock-down, drag-out battle ensues and it’s written about by Ovid. It’s really hilarious. Ovid spares no gory details. I mean we have people jumping up in the air getting transfixed by a spear through the throat, which keeps them pinned to a wall. There are talking heads lying in the dirt. There are severed hands running after sword hafts and stuff like that. It’s in Ovid’s Metamorphosis. Wow! I’m doing my job. I tell you all these great stories. Do you know how to read? If there were one book that I were to be marooned on—plus the Bible, of course—If I were to be marooned, just me and my wife and a book, it would be the Metamorphosis. I’d teach her how to read Latin and we’d read it together. It’s just that great.
Also at the wedding is this burly guy. Ovid is a keen student of human philosophy and psychology and stuff. There’s a guy there named Caeneus. Supposedly, once upon a time, Caeneus had been a woman named Caenis. According to the myth, as told to us by Ovid, as a woman he had been subjected to a passionate love attack by the award winning god Poseidon. Poseidon, for once in classical mythology, decides to make up with one of the poor women he has violated. He said, “I’ll do you one favor.” Of course, Caenis says, “I don’t ever want to be raped again, so I want to be a man.” Okay. Supposedly, at this wedding of this battle of the centaurs and the Lapiths Caeneus picked up his staff and ordered people to worship it. Okay, I take it you all know the significance of that, except for Ovid was living about 1800 years before Freud. He was rewarded by being buried under tree stumps hurled at him by the funky centaurs. I’m glad you’re having so much fun. The centaurs and the Lapiths. It’s kind of like the classical battle royale. It’s kind of like the closing scene of Blazing Saddles. Did you ever watch that? It’s really great. It’s probably the funniest movie ever.
Next, I’m going to tell you a little snippet of one more story, then I will send you all packing for today. Peleus is a veteran—not to be confused with evil King Pelias—who was last seen boiling in a special caldron filled with twelve special herbs and spices. Peleus was the fellow who got married to the promising young sea nymph, Thetis. They eventually work together to create a son who is greater than his father. This is the sea nymph that Zeus wanted to stay away from. Here’s how he got there. Oh, by the way, Peleus is also a veteran of Jason and the Argonauts. Peleus gets his start in a land with the horrible name of Phthia, which in ancient Greek, means decay land, a good place to get away from. The king of this place, Phthia, purifies Peleus from some miasma or another. I don’t even know. He killed somebody. He got purified. They become such fast friends Peleus and his buddy King Eurytion that they go on the Calydonian boar hunt together. I’ll tell you about the Calydonian boar hunt in our next exciting episode. I’m not done with you yet, though. The goddess of clocks tells us we have three minutes yet. It’s kind of fun to faint at you and watch you slam the book shut and stuff like that. Unfortunately, in the course of the Calydonian boar hunt, Peleus killed Eurytion. They had the boar circled. They had it surrounded, and they were throwing spears at it. Peleus was over here. He threw it and missed and smacked Eurytion, thereby incurring miasma. Okay, causing him to get purified, He goes to Iolcus. Yes, somebody got the boar. It’s been a long week. He goes to get purified by this guy in Iolcus, this son of Jason and Medea. I know what you’re going to say. Aren’t the sons of Jason and Medea dead? Yeah, fine. While the incredibly studly Peleus is visiting the court—he’s getting purified, right?—Queen Astydameia falls in love with him but he literally wants no part of her. Okay, go ahead. Did you read this or are you just making this up as you go along? Whichever, it is purely brilliant. She writes a note. She’s going to send him a letter. She’s going to make herself feel better by saying, “He tried to rape me. He tried to put the moves on me.” So here’s what they do. They send young Peleus on some labors. Acastus takes him out hunting out on the mountain; the husband of Astydameia takes him out hunting on the mountain. He takes him on the ancient Greek equivalent of a snipe hunt. You know the snipe hunt right? Did we talk about snipe hunts? Oh, good. When they take you out snipe hunting they say, “Farrah Lynn, we’re going to go out snipe hunting. Here’s your flashlight and your gunnysack.” Snipes are hunted in the middle of the night in the most frightening parts of the woods. Farrah Lynn, we’re going to sit you up in this clearing, this tiny clearing in the middle of the woods. You’ll hear animals baying in the distances. It’s really scary. The rest of us are going to clear out and drive the snipe towards you. You have to stun them with the flashlight. You shine the flashlight in the snipe’s eyes. Then you sweep them into your gunnysack. Then, while Farrah Lynn is shivering in the darkness waiting for the snipe to come, the rest of us are all off in a cabin doing 12-ounce curls talking about what a dumb you know what Farrah Lynn is. Have you ever taken somebody on one of those? Have you ever been taken on one of those? You wouldn’t tell me if you did. I wouldn’t tell you if I did, either.
Well, here’s what the action is. While Peleus is sleeping, Acastus hides the sword in a pile of dung. He hides Peleus’s sword in a pile of dung. Peleus wakes up. He doesn’t know where his sword is, he is surrounded by a bunch of centaurs. He has no sword. The centaurs are not nice people. He hears the galloping of hooves in the distance. To be continued. You’ve been a very nice class.