Five Love Languages

Language #1  --  Words of Affirmation

What are Words of Affirmation?
To a person who speaks this love language, words of appreciation and honest compliments are powerful.  Words of Affirmation fall into a couple of categories:
Verbal Compliments
Encouraging Words
Kind Words
Humble Words  (not arrogant—not putting yourself above the other person.)

How do I give Words of Affirmation?
The first tip is to always be straightforward and simple with your messages.  This way, the message doesn’t get lost amid a long string of words, or misunderstood and taken the wrong way.  We will take a closer look at each of the different categories of affirmation you can give.

Examples of Words of Affirmation
What a great hair cut!
Thanks for cooking such a nice supper.

An even better way to provide your Words Person with affirmation is to explain WHY you feel the way you do.  Keep the message simple and straightforward, but if you give them a few details (Your hair cut looks really great—it brings out your eyes) then the person you are speaking too knows that your compliment is sincere.

Think About It
List words of affirmation that others have given to you.  Be specific in the interactions you write down. 

Read your list above.  What made these words so meaningful to you?

Language #2  --  Quality Time

What is Quality Time?
The key to understanding the Quality Time language is understanding the word “with.”  The Quality Time person needs you to talk “with” them or to do something “with” them in order to feel cared about.  Quality Time can be broken down into two parts:  quality conversation and spending time together doing something.

Quality Conversation
The Quality Conversation person needs your undivided attention when you are talking with them.  Don’t watch TV or try to work on something else while they are talking to you!  A quick “Hi, how was your day?” is not enough for this person.  They want to talk about the day and then know about your day and then they want to tell you how they feel about your day. 

Tips
If you don’t have enough time to have the length of a conversation this person needs to have, set a time to talk later in the day or week and then make sure that you have that conversation later. 

Don’t interrupt

Focus on their body language and their words—are they saying the same thing?

Look at the person in the eye while they are talking.

Quality Activities
The Quality Time people that want to DO something want to make sure that they have your undivided attention while you are engaged in the activity.  A game of basketball, cooking together, taking a walk, playing a game, anything that you can do together that allows you to focus on spending time with them.  Sometimes they don’t even need you to say too much, just spend time with them.

Think About It
Who in your life might be a quality time person?  What are some activities that you could do with this person to help them recognize that you care about them?

Language #3  --  Gifts

Even though this person feels loved because you gave them a gift, it does not mean that they are greedy or materialistic.  Gifts people like the idea that someone thought enough of them to get them something…anything. 

Two Types of Gifts
1.  Gifts you had to buy – this can be as simple as giving them a piece of gum or a nice card—it doesn’t always have to be extravagant.  Sometimes the smallest gifts are the most meaningful.

2. Gifts of self—This is a little bit like quality time but can still be seen as a gift.  This includes things like offering to baby-sit or even sitting silently with someone at the hospital when a loved one is injured or ill.

Remember
When you wait to long to give this person a gift, they begin to feel uncared for.  Remember, you don’t have to spend a lot of money…be creative! 

Think About It
What is the most meaningful gift you have ever received?  Who gave it to you?  Why was it so special? 

Think of one meaningful (but inexpensive) thing you could give to someone else.  What is it?  Who is it for?

Love Language #4  -- Acts of Service

What are Acts of Service?
For a person whose primary language is Acts of Service, they respond best when you do things for them.  For example, bake a cake or give them a batch of their favorite cookies, pull out her chair at dinner, hold open a door, offer to get a glass of water for him when you got to get a glass of water for yourself.  Each time you willingly do something for this person, they recognize that you care for them.  Now, this doesn’t mean that you are always waiting on this person hand and foot, just take the time to do something extra for him/her once in a while.
Tip
Once in a while, you can figure out what the Acts of Service person would appreciate having done for them by listening to the things that they complain about.  If the complaint involves something you can do for them, consider doing it the next time—before they can complain that no one ever does it.

A number of years ago, Random Acts of Kindness became very popular. It's a day where everyone is encouraged to do nice things for others they know, as well as complete strangers. When you are friends with or related to an Acts of Service person, you need to be doing random and regular acts of service everyday to let them know just how much they mean to you.

Think About It

Do you have anyone in your life that might be an Acts of Service person?  List 3 things you could do for him/her today to help them feel as though they are cared for and they belong?

1.

2.

3.

Love Language #5 – Physical Touch

Did You Know?
It's been rumored a person needs 7 hugs a day to stay healthy. (How many have you had today?)

What is Physical Touch?
Physical Touch is any gentle and caring touch: a hug, pat, a hand on your shoulder, a foot rub, holding hands... The examples are endless.  Babies left alone in orphanage cribs have died because there was no one there to hold them, touch them and coo to them. All people need to be able to interact with and feel the touch of other people that they trust and care about!

Keep in Mind
For some people, physical touch is scary…even a hand on their shoulder makes their spine stiffen and they feel uncomfortable.  Pay attention to your friend or relative’s non-verbal signs…does he or she need space, or does your mom love to have you sit next to her on the couch, does your little sister like to have you brush her hair, does your best friend need a hug or a pat on the back?  And above all, always make sure that physical touch is positive and never out of anger or with the intent to harm.  Especially if this is the person’s primary language—you may have hurt them way beyond what you expected!

Think About It

When considering touch, it is also important to think about your relationship to this person and appropriate distance from others.  Research shows that you can break “safe” distances down into categories (this is known as Proxemics).

Intimate distance – 0-18 inches         Reserved for close friends and family

Personal distance – 18 in – 4ft          Most friends / people you know

Social distance  -- 4ft – 12 ft              Used for interviews and other formal
conversations—talking with people you don’t know very well.

Public distance – over 12 feet                       used for public speaking